**Add caption in comments**

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Purile

Its the seasion of one time terrorist (or is that freedom fighter), father of few and anoiter of many a man; Jesus's special day, soon (altho he were probably born around march/april) its seems only fair that we celebrate this occassion (although hating myself and thinking about the life i could have had normally does the trick) by doing sumit, with this in mind i bring all 2 of you that read this shite when you have nowt better to do:


The Xmas jesus caption competition, rules are as follows:

Rule 1: You do not talk about the Xmas Jesus caption competition
Rule 2: You do not TALK about the Xmas Jesus caption competition
Rule 3: And if its your first time in the Jesus Xmas caption competition, YOU have to take part
Rule 4: i will post 3 images which the reader should place amusing, incitefull and satirical captions to
Rule 4: If the reader can not think of any amusing, incitefull nor satirical captions then 10 points are added fer a good knob gag.
Rule 5: You dont tell the guy that drew them in the first place im doing this and i get sued under clause24.8, subclause 6 of the copyright infringement regulations 1948, act.


Subclause
In the event that subclause 6 of the copyright infrigment act 1948 is enforced i will seek full defence under Gods forgiveness act
7, BC304, and site the test case of 1989 (Mssr W (Bill) M Hicks esq versus Jahova).

Nearing the end of the 18th hole, 4 over par, even Jesus hacking his own legs off then floating, could not distract Norm

my work computer wall paper done by me, all by me and not by anyone else, am i not clever

Norm got increasingly frustrated by trickster jesus's vanishing ball trick

Jesus's talk of his manhood fell on deaf ears at the weekly multiculteral leg amputee weightlifting club

Jesus would start doing the Conga at the most inapropiate times

"A kippers fanny? dont get it..."

".. and the gay in the middle said 'thats wierd, i had a dream i was ski-ing; like this"

He's a wonder

more brotherly antics.

with thanks to the highly creative writing staff at the northern echoe, their mothers can be proud.

He's got spirit

Again my brother comes up trumps.

Another list

7 tunes to be played at my funeral

John Coltrane "love supreme" (from the bass solo to after the sax kicks back in"
Pixies "Carabou"
The fall "know; look"
Half man half biscuit "reflections in a flat"
Village people "YMCA"

"What Dan Brown doesnt know is what i got up to with them twelve blokes, plenty of anointing if you know what i mean"

"..and I anointed the youth like: So..."

"Thought you were a jew?" "Thats nowt pal, some been calling me god incarnate as man"

"So i bent Mary over and did her like this, up the wrong 'un.. hey lads you watching...?"

bless

My brother, he makes a boy so, so proud

Very funny

just quick one, please click on "more god stuff" to the left eer i mean right hand side, it is very funny, particularly like the weightlifter

oh fuck

For the first time in over the decade the tories now seem to have a leader with carisma; they could be in an electable position come the next election. Or we continue to have labour.

"would sir prefer the castration by warm spoon or the castration by chilled spoon?"

what with that and the media talk of the presidential syle of blair and cameron im starting to empathise with the US electorate

See there's this country, its got weapons of mass destruction, it tortures people, pimping out its dirty work to smaller poorer place's like a cheap gangster, it has killed 1000 of its own people by execution, some if not many with recognised learning difficulties; 4th place in the top 10 countries that execute,... i could go on,... i will, it has recently been reported that sufferers of natural desasters have been shot whist scavenging for food, it has a hisory of election fraud, its goverment is full of religeous fundamentalist biggots, ...etc

lets invade!

any guess's?

be carefull tho, even the children are known to be armed and dangerous

**POINT OF ORDER**

It has come to my attention there has been some discussion recently, questioning my genitila;

In clarifacation i would like to say that my testes are in fact the normal size for a man of my age. Which is unfortunate as it makes my particularly small penis look quite out of proportion. However this is why god gave me hands that can form a fist, yey.

Fruity

After reading Ms Zs, eer I mean lexxy's blog, i feel the need to match that, something i little bit rude, something a little fruity, something with animal passion

here - contains nudity




































its work friendly obviously

"the 2nd hardest man in penicuik"

You should all listen to this they're ace

The Telescopes - #4

People i'd have in a fight

1. Gandhi
2. 50 Cent
3. Tony Blair (not Bush; 'tards fight hard)
4. Céline Dion
5. Tyler Durden
6. Travis and Coldplay at the same time
8. Mother Terassa
9 Bod
10. Gary

New words of the week

1. Chlordiazepoxide
2. Librium
3. St John Wort
4. Milk Thistle
5. valerian


hmm, the calm

Gary's Blog

My good friend, fellow pramfacer and work collegue has started a blog, not sure how seriously he's taking it, but its linked to on the right

7 Things I Want To Do Before I Die:

1. Live
2. Emegrate the UK
3. Write, direct and film a short movie using just a mobile phone
4. Finish the Pramface demo and then appear on the cover of hello promoting rehab
5. Organise a street party to celebrate the death of Maggie Thatcher (surely not long now, surely)
5. go 24 hours without a wee drink
6. Get a career which fullfills my dreams, not me working with others to fullfill theirs.
7. Love and be loved
7. Be in a zomby movie and invent a new genre: Zombie Porn

7 Things I Cannot Do:
1. Talk dirty; bed; over the phone; any where, im sorta like David Blunkett in that comedy on Channel 4 were he's asked to speak dirty to the rich american he’s about to knob and he replies “errr, nipples, errr, bra”
2. sort it out
3. Piss next to others in pub toilets
4. Skateboard, juggle or ski or snow boren or anything that envolves the word "knarly", i can however diablo pretty well, yey!
5. Get pissed and not mime fisting someone
6. wet one hand and leave the other dry
7. Understand what people see in Shakespear

7 Things That Attract Me to the Opposite Sex:
1. being with them
2. honesty and fine sex
3. Bums
5. dreaming together
6. Talking bollocks and thinking its ace
7. Motivation and vision
8. just being
5. Saying nowt and thinking its ace

7 Things I Say Most Often:
1. Fuck
3. fannybaws
4. Bastard young people
5. Ay up
6. I’m a minger
C. Hi noa nathin
!. Titwank: soapytitwank: cunting titwank: titwanking titwank: Tit Wank
#. Haway mun
p. ..., like...,

Celebrity Crushes:
1. Katie Jane Garside (hubba hubba)
2. The 2 in Sugababes that dont look like men in drag
3. That french oota Amilie
4. Yoda
5. Nemi
6. Gigi Edgley (Chiana in Farscape)
7. Christina Agulara in leather spats and boxing gloves
8. Dwarves
9. Tori Amos

Things currently going toilet on me

Number 2

A rat, he's called katie-jane, he just wont be told

LRT

Were you bullied at school, find no sense of authority
did you look a bit funny
were you too stupid to join the police, too fat to join the forces
Ladies! Do you look like a stereotypical Dyke
Got a couple of anchor tattoos and a low parting boys?
If you've got no way with people whats so ever
Hate cyclists, motorist and users of public transport
And would really rather be driving a big shiney tank somewhere
We've the job for you

LRT bus:

Things never to say yes to, whilst in a pub drinking booze

number4

yes i'll take that rat, do not ask any body else, i am your man, give it to me

a rat:

I could have been a contender, I could have been somebody, instead of a bum which is what I am

i'll be turning 30 soon then...

he was a scientist, talented musician and mc, made a fine curry and had an amusing bierd Sonny 1980-2005

Telescopes/e.a.r gig

went to a gig last week, here's me typing bout it

so i walked in late, part way through the E.A.R set (it were meant to be a Fuxa Set but some mirthsome episode happened at the airport that ended with Fuxa dude being sent to the london bombers prison, then being deported):

When i got there the man Boom were stood in from off some stuff; 2 box's with wires sticking out, an electrical thing and a children's electrical thing
It were hard to tell at points if maybe, he lost his rolly , his wires broke or the children's electrical thing stopped working (he audibly pulled the wire out at one point) or if he were actually playing stuff.
he seemed to be playing a tone and fucking with it. a pretty fine tone it were too. Which got loader but quieter to the end. Sounded ace, bit like the orb with out drums or the first 10mins of a MELA gig.

the Telescopes, what can i say, there were four or five guitars on stages being played but only 3 people. They amped up a projector to use as the rhythm on a tune,. the main dude had a guitar lying on a table , with crocodile clip's attached to some strings that he would flick on occasion, connected too a couple of boxes he would at times play it with a bow and a electronic fan, he would sing.
A lass sat at the back with a guitar and sorta played normally whilst singing.

The other dude had a thermaline (that electrical thing that reacts to your hands being close to it, you know the pixies used it in veloria), had a bass on a stand being played by a hand held fan on a mike stand. At one point he feed the bass amp into its-self and played the feedback#

Wierds gig ive seen, one of the better ones to listen to

Obvious, but funny

current top jazz listening

1. A love supreme- John Coltrane

2. Somethin’ Else - Cannonball Adderley

3. Miles Davis/ Gill Evans – Sketches of Spain

4. Giant Steps - John Coltrane

5. Wallace Roney - Prototype

work

You see working in my profession you normally get 2 types of response when people always ask that question “what do you do” (I work with homeless/vulnerable young people in Edinburgh, Supported Accommodation and Tenancy support).

The more interesting response is from people that have been in the forces; the people I work with would be well suited to joining up.  First I should say that my politics sort of go against that (although I would never say that to someone I worked with unless they asked me “what do you think”), being shouted at from 4.30 in the morning then paying someone to shine your shoes might not suit some of my clients.  However I can see there point;  A lot of the young people I work with are leaving, or at least have been in care, an institution, and what you tend to find is that once someone has been care, in an institution and then  have to leave (kids in Scotland should be able to stay in Care up until they turn 19, in reality they are still kicked out when they turn 16), they move to another institution, these institutions could be; the h4ealth service or the police; more times than not they then to be the armed forces or prison.

The other and more common response is “that must be so rewarding”.

How should I respond?

I’ve often thought that something like

“..Its ok, it can be hard, I might make a difference… but I don’t like to talk about it…” might work with the ladies

However, what I normally do is.  Cringe. And say

“Yes it is rewarding, on the 25th of every month, they reward me straight to me bank account and I get me own desk….”  

“And sometimes, someone you work with says “thanks”, and that’s quite cool

im starting to sound self obsessed

Had the urge to add stuff but couldn’t think of owt better than this, my friendsreunited profile.

Having not gone to, nor graduated from university, i didn’t take a year out to travel round Tai land. Now not living in London working for personal in an IT firm

**UPDATE**
I have recently not got married to my long term partner nor invested in buy to let property

**UPDATE**
Sensing a slow down in the housing market i have not sold all my properties to downsize my lifestyle, not moving to farming town masham to breed rare fowl and live like the country folk

Leith

The things you see

I was going home about 9ish, on the bus and we stopped at the foot o the walk.  There were a women stood on a sidestreet looking in through a window into a seemingly empty bank pleasuring an umbrella.  

I looked away, thought about it, then looked back.

She were then pleasuring, in a similar way, a bottle of wine in a scotmid bag, through the same window into the same empty bank.  The bus then drove off.

Obviously I got off at the next stop and went back to see

She had gone

me

Things that made me laugh

Katrina

What happened there was really bad, really horrible. It was no more and no less horrible than the number of natural disasters that happen each year.

What happened afterwards were distressing, for the country which seeks to invade and dictate democracy; to turn black people into looters and whites into people trying to scavenge food; that people that try to rescue others are branded racist; that armed gangs are shooting down aircraft; for the fact that when I heard it had happened to this country I again felt little but Sinicism: For this I get worried, it distresses me.

I hope all other people from all other nations can empathise with the US, let us help with this as we would any other disaster.

And maybe there can be some good out of this. Maybe the country that builds cities 6 feet under sea level will start taking more interest in the poisons it spews out, will stop using agreements as chips to further exploit other less privileged nations. Maybe, just maybe they could hire skilled and highly trained workers from Iraq and Afghanistan to come and help rebuild the US.

Maybe

time warp

So far this year ive seen the fall, the wedding present and im off to the pixies on sunday, it would appear i have become trapped in 1991

jesus jones anyone??

however i did see the UK premier of Land of the dead and manage to ask Mr Romero a couple of questions in a Q&A, Awwoooo!

Rules for the festival

time to get xenophobic on your arse:

musings on the festival

1- The amount of talent posessed by fringe drama performers is in inverse proportion to the size of their trust funds.

B- Tourist are gasseus, they can and will expand to fill all the available space, especially noticable around street corners, level crossings, shop door ways and pavements.

d- Mullets have never gone out of fashion in spain

e- Save money on human statues, time your viewing pleasure at the time they start packing up.

7- Bongo are very rarely a proper musical instrument

6- Please when walking between an afternoon performance of "101 shakesperian knob gags - the mime show" and "bouncers" feel free to walk diagonally, pointing at beatiful edin-bou-rough and stopping to losing your plastic mack; people from edinburgh have the all of august as a holiday and cellebrate by walking in the road dondging LRT bus drivers

x- Leaflet collecting can not be turn into a sport no matter how hard you try.


And remember to keep street performance free make sure and pay the dude a fiver a 20 minute show where they sit on a high bike and juggle

returning

hello all

after some rather confusing issues with me last blog i have sorted new one owt, it here and this is it

you can all sleep assured now

laters

mf